5 months, 3 stone, 1,000 views

            1,000 page views – not bad, eh? Over four months that’s about 50 a week. Which is more than the eight or ten people who mention it to me each week, even doubled. So people I don’t know are actually reading this! Unless someone is repeatedly spam-refreshing my pages out of some weird e-OCD thing. Either way, thank you to everyone who has dropped by my little slice of cyber space and keep coming back!

            I’m now 219pds, magically staying on target for a 2pd/week loss despite an all you can eat Chinese Buffet on Thursday and a large hot-dog-stuffed-crust Pizza Hut Supreme last night. Who said a diet had to be healthy?

            I’ll tackle the buffet first; I starved myself for most of the day to allow for the calorie in take I expected. I still overshot but I ate so much I couldn’t even look at food until about 5pm on Friday. Even then it wasn’t a friendly look. My stomach hated me and threatened to burst on Thursday night, promising my brain with a massive hydrochloric acid spill should I ever try to eat 6 plates of food again. I only ate so much because I was trying to out do two of the girls at the meal – because stuffing your face is massively attractive, of course – and even then I only managed to beat one of them by on plate while drawing even with the other.

            Both of them are slim, don’t have an ounce of fat between them and never eat any food. I thought I had it in the bag. Unfortunately having trained my stomach not to eat large amounts of food for four months worked against me. Foiled by my own success! And, in part, the surprisingly impressive appetites of two co-workers.

            So that is excusable since it was basically two day’s worth of calories. As for the pizza, it’s a similar case – I gave one slice away and only managed a third of it even after missing a meal earlier in the day. The rest is breakfast and dinner today. I guess that doesn’t make it over-eating, but I have been getting some suspicious looks from people when I use phrases like ‘buffet’, ‘all you can eat’ and ‘hot dog stuffed crust’ in the same sentence as ‘diet’. I like to think of it as a really middle-class rationing system – I get to eat what I want over the course of several days. The pizza even had vegetables on it! And there was a salad bar at the buffet restaurant but it looked so pretty, like some kind of floral display, I couldn’t bring myself to ruin it. Yes, that is actually the reason I’m giving for not touching any vegetables at the buffet. It’s my official party line and I will stick to it.

            In other news I’m about to lose my job – boo hiss – which is relevant to my diet for two reasons: First, I won’t be doing the walk to and from work so will have to actually start putting time aside for exercise. Second, I will have to cancel my gym membership.

            Since I’ll have a lot more free time on my hands, making time for exercise won’t be such an issue. And taking into account my I don’t actually go the gym enough to warrant the subscription cost cancelling my membership is more of a positive thing. What I will be doing is starting to walk or even jog/run around my area, because it’s free and the weather is nice. There is also no one around any more since schools have broken up so when I collapse from exhaustion there won’t be any witnesses. I accept this means if I am in need of actual medical attention it might be a long time coming and I could be in real trouble but hopefully I’ll recover after being inert for a few minutes.

            The other thing I’m finding is that all of my fat is kind of running back to sustain Gregory. For more information on who/what Gregory is refer back to my previous entries but a short explanation is ‘my belly’. This means that I’m losing a lot of weight everywhere except the second most obvious one, the first being my face apparently as that’s what everyone comments on. And yes, I do love hearing about how great and beautiful my face is looking I would really appreciate it if I could lose some shape from my gut. I’ve looked into it and it’s the last place people lose fat properly from, usually, and to do so quickly requires the practice of several exercises that I do not enjoy but will have to start doing. Some of them, however, seem to be designed for people who have no gut to lose – it is physically impossible to do one of them if you’re fat due to the way you have to bend, for example, but it is advertised as a ‘way to flatten you’re stomach’. Yeah, maybe if you had a binge and feel fat. Not if you are actually fat. So I assume this is for physical hypochondriacs who think putting on a pound after a night out is ‘being fat’ or not having muscles that can repel bullets is ‘being out of shape’.

            I won’t be letting myself go, except to ‘go exercise’.  I’ve been jobless before and it was bad; I’ll deal with it better this time. My prospects are much better and if it really comes down to it I won’t actually be able to afford food which can only help my diet. Right?

Introducing Q&A

            So it turns out a larger number of people than I thought read this blog. I can only take that as a good thing, and they’ve all been very encouraging and complimentary about it which has made me preen slightly under the positive attention. I’m glad people are enjoying it and/or finding it helpful or informative; it means I’m doing something right!

            Part of this post is a thank you to everybody who has got back to me about and said nice things – it does help me stay focused, knowing that I’m not just talking to myself in some quiet corner of the internet. I am sometimes surprised by who is reading the blog but always pleasantly so. I’d also like to thank anyone who has given me compliments about how much weight I’ve lost and how much better I look now – I am not always graceful when receiving these compliments and sometimes they catch me by surprise but they are definitely always welcome. My ego soaks them up like a sponge and loves every second of it.

            The other intention here is to ask if there’s anything people would like me to talk about in a post sometime – questions about how I’m dealing with dieting, how I deal with being hungry all the frigging time, what sort of exercise I’m focusing on or anything that comes to mind really. I mean, if it’s not diet related it doesn’t seem appropriate but – and I realise I’m asking for trouble here – I will still answer those questions. People don’t have to comment on a post, but they are welcome to ask that way or by a private message somewhere – phone, facebook, email, whatever. I’ll answer them as best I can and keep people’s names anonymous if requested. Unless you happen to be called ‘James Davies’ as I believe he may well be the worst offender for awkward questions.

            I’ll try to summarise a couple of things people have asked now though. Firstly, to people who necessarily read my blog but are stunned I seem to have lost 1/3 of my body weight (not an accurate measurement) and ask, ‘What’s your secret?’ I say this:

Po. Tay. Toes. Those grubby little root vegetables that are about as nutritious and wholesome as what you find in a beggar’s pocket. Don’t eat them. Ever. Anything made out of them should be avoided like plague. Crisps? Waste of time. Chips? About as rewarding to eat as gravel, really. Mash? It was a good series but makes a terrible food. There are so many better alternatives my mind did in fact boggle. Parsnips for chips is a good start, and rice is a better side, ideally mixed with sweet corn and broccoli – BAM DOUBLE VEG SCORE – while crisps are just pointless. Honestly, most packets of crisps are just thin, fatty wafers dripping with fat saturated with more fat. Treat potatoes like drugs; just say ‘No’.

Next; how did I get into exercise? Well, I’d heard rumours about the mysterious ‘gym’ thing from my friends Chris and Paul for years – literally – but never really plucked up the courage to actually go to one. In the end I had to swallow my pride and fear, plug in some music and just get on with it. I will admit I did have to tell myself that all the other people in the gym were not staring or laughing at me as I began walking on a treadmill and did not speed up, and it took a couple of trips to silence the voice entirely – it’s still not completely gone. Yeah, it’s scary. Yeah, it’s daunting. But it had to be done; it’s paying off and ONE DAY I WILL LOOK LIKE THOR.

Lastly; motivation. Where do I get it from. Well, to begin with I decided that if I was ever going to get back into dating again – after sorting work life, getting my own place and sorting other menial and annoying things – I had to accept that to be desired I would have to be desirable. And I wasn’t, really – physically. Obviously I am amazing on the inside – despite what certain parties may think – but on the outside I was begin to resemble one of the Great Pyramids and apart from fitting in well with the artificial terrain at Giza this did not help. I would also one day like to be able to actually go running and do that activity from start to finish, rather than beginning with a run, having a jog, collapsing in near-cardiac arrest and then crawling to my feet and trudging back. Finally, I took a photo of myself when I started my diet wearing just my gym shorts. I will never show this photograph to anyone else because I look repulsive – or, as I told one lucky asker, ‘corpulent’. And I never want to look like that again, either to other people or myself.

So there you go folks, a couple of quick general answers. Please do send in questions and queries because it is not always easy to come up with interesting posts each week and I might – might – even be able to offer some worth while advice. I hope to hear more from people soon!

           

Nike it, baby.

            Having spent most of the last weekend climbing all over the Giant’s Causeway – which is possibly the greatest place on Earth, by the way – I am feeling very good about my increased fitness. I still nearly died taking the coastal road back, or more precisely climbing the stairs to get to the coastal road but that’s because they were a death trap. You know the secret way past Minas Ungol in The Return of the King that Gollum leads Sam and Frodo through? Yeah. They’re like that. Except it wasn’t raining so at least they weren’t slippery I guess. In all honesty, I don’t know how Sam managed it. It must have been his supposedly-secret love for Frodo that carried him through.

            The point is that I am in much better shape than I was only four short months ago. For one thing, there’s no way I could have dragged my old, fat self up the Haystacks (very accurately described as ‘large, steep hills’ by the audio guide) for any where near as long as I was mucking around on them on my visit – or possibly at all. They were actually incredibly steep sided but the view was glorious from the top. Totally worth it and I highly recommend anyone who visits the Causeway ignores the warning of the audio guide and staff and climbs them anyway. Once you’re at the top you literally cannot hear anything from the road so if people do shout at you to come down you have the perfect excuse not to.

I’d advise caution, however, if you are pregnant, of a weak constitution, terminally afraid of heights or haven’t eaten much before hand as it is really tiring. Even my friend Paul, who also risked the wrath of the National Trust and accompanied me on my wild venture, found it tiring and he’s a lot fitter than I am. He did, however, recover by the time we had to tackle the stairs so didn’t nearly die from exertion like I did on the way back.

I’m not really sure what possessed me to climb the Haystacks (that is actually what they are called. They were made by a giant and I’m not going to argue with him about it). They are pretty high – we’re talking at least 100ft from the highest point into the sea if you go out onto the one that kind of hangs over the ocean, and it’s a pretty straight drop. I’m normally not really up for climbing things (effort, vertigo) but as soon as the tour guide warned me off it I decided I 100% had to. Once I got to the top and looked over the edge I knew I was taking a little bit of a risk, but I still dangled my legs over the edge of what was pretty much a cliff face. I really did feel like the water below, or perhaps some Lovecraftian terror beneath the waves, was drawing me into the drop but I survived and didn’t get in the drink. That’s a success in my book.

If I’d been told four months ago that I was going to be scaling cliff faces off the coast of Ireland of my own free will in a third of a year I’d have called the messenger crazy, which just goes to show how weight loss can change your attitude to activity as well. Laziness definitely begets itself, inertia being one of the most terrifying natural forces, but momentum is the same phenomena really so once you get going, you’re going. My trip to the Giant’s Causeway really demonstrated and emphasised this to me, and I enjoyed the adventure all the more for it.

The message I’m trying to get across is that if you are considering dieting, seriously consider exercise as part of that regime. You’ll have to cut down less on food and you’ll get so much more out of it than just weight loss. I’ve found I have more energy, more stamina and a much better attitude to a lot of activities I would previously have just dismissed out of hand as too much effort. I’ve done a lot of things I wouldn’t normally do, or didn’t really expect to enjoy, initially just to prove to myself that I can do them. And finding out that I can do them has been a bit of a rush, if I’m honest.

Partly I get such satisfaction from these things because I firmly believe people are defined by the things they do and have done – if someone does a lot of things, they are much more interesting than someone who does not, and they definitely have a wider breadth of experience and first hand knowledge to draw on when planning new ventures.

But it’s certainly not all philosophically gained; my poorly-hidden vanity and pride also provide a lot of that feeling. Being able to do things that other people consider dangerous or brave (or stupid) is a great way to show off or one up someone, and I can’t say I don’t enjoy it. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. My closest friends and I have a motto; it’s not arrogance if it’s true. The best way of proving you can do something is to straight up just do it. Prove it to the world. Nike it.

I’ll be honest, there are a few of things I can’t pluck up the courage to do just yet, both because of a lack of fitness and a little bit to do with low self-esteem because of my weight and size. This isn’t uncommon in people who loss significant amounts of weight. While I studied in America I had a good friend called Eddie. He was charming, good looking and pretty bold socially but confided in me that (apparently) he sometimes saw himself as the fat kid he used to be. When he showed me a picture I literally refused to believe it was him; the change was so complete I couldn’t associate the man I knew with the picture he claimed to be him. He turned his life around in a short space of time and its his success that has inspired me, in part.

It’s totally possible; I’m doing it now. It’s just a case of working at it and not giving up. Do things that scare you – I was definitely sweating from more than exertion when I was sitting on the precipices of the coast of Northern Ireland – and you’ll find you can do more and more. I’ll be honest, my experiences have also made me more critical of the Lord of the Rings trilogy; Sam would not have retained al that weight walking to across Middle-Earth. However, his should still be an inspirational story – if a fat hobbit can make it across the prolific distance from the Shire to Mordor I can damn well get back into shape again, and so can you!

(If you’re not already. And want to. And maintain you’re determination. Possibly even if it’s ‘glandular’. But if you choose to just continually shove potatoes down your gullet (boiled, mashed or put in a stew) and refuse to engage in any sort of activity, heroic or otherwise, I’ll be honest; you’re not dieting, so it won’t help. Nike it, baby.)

BBQ's Everywhere!

          These posts are definitely no longer weekly, and I can only accept full responsibility for that. I’ve also been a little more lax with my diet – as my demand for stuffed crust pizza rather than regular pizza last night demonstrated – BUT I’m still fighting the fat; 221 pounds and counting. In fairness to my decision concerning the pizza, I had stinged out on lunch to accommodate it and had it not been for the garlic bread starter I would have been okay for my lower limit. As is, the extravagance was within my middle bracket so I didn’t go over. Not quite. I’ll admit it was close, but I started this diet with the plan not to restrict myself too greatly. 

            As part of that arrangement, my plan to have a BBQ every weekend until September is completely okay. Now, I appreciate that BBQ food is not what is classically referred to as ‘healthy eating’ but – BUT – I understand you can apply salad to it. It also helps that I’ve gotten far too used to eating smaller portions and now when I stuff myself to bursting it amounts to about 3 slices of stuffed crust pizza and 2 slices of garlic bread. (Yes, with cheese. Of course with cheese.) This means I can’t eat that much at BBQ’s before getting full, so I am satisfied with what I eat while not actually eating too much. Bonus? I think so.

            The other thing that is helping is that I’m really looking into different types of meat you can BBQ. Last weekend the BBQ was hosted my a South African friend and his girlfriend. They’d put a lot of effort into getting some interesting food for the event, although I think part of that was Rogan’s goal of proving the South African version of anything is better than any other. The end result of this was that I tried Kudu – if you google it you’ll find it looks rather like a large stag crossed with an elk. It tastes delicious, and a quick bit of research showed it was a lot less calorific than beef or pork. I understand that this is because Kudu are delicious and as a result have been forced to evolve to constantly escape predators, meaning they have little fat on them. Scientific? Loosely, but I’m going with it.

            A little more work found that basically anything else that is an animal is less calorific than beef – even pork, but by the narrowest of margins. Ostrich, venison, elk, moose, buffalo and even badger carry less calories than everybody’s favourite bovine. This is fine with me; I’m not a massive beef fan. I am, however, upset that sausages are about as bad unless they come from the very expensive end of the market. Bacon is pretty okay, proving that God is good and has some measure of mercy and meaning I can keep eating it without feeling bad. I’m still going to eat sausages, but I will be avoiding beef even more than normal.

            It has also encouraged me to return to the quest I started while I was living in America; I will eat one of every animal on the planet. Including fish, despite my strongly held believe they are foul and should not be served as food except to people who never want to speak to again.

            This is quite a daunting goal. There are a plethora of different animals on the planet, and I understand that I am not actually allowed to eat some of them due to them being ‘endangered’. I assume animals only become ‘endangered’ because they are extremely tasty, so like all things people are 100% prohibited from doing the internationally recognised legal imperative not to eat them makes me want to do so even more. Pandas are probably going to be the most difficult – they are endangered, not native to any European country, large, dangerous, disease ridden but also insanely cute when they’re small and more defenceless. I may eventually hire a mercenary killer to hunt one down for me, but I’ll still feel guilty. Gorilla may also cause problems; I don’t like the idea of having to hunt one down, as I’m pretty sure I will be ground to paste if it knows I’m trying to kill it. 

            The greatest thing about this quest? Aside from getting to eat an incredible amount of meat, of course. My stomach gets to make a connection with Noah’s Ark? I can claim to have eaten the contents of most zoos? No; it can fall within my diet. The potato is definitely not an animal – it barely qualifies as a vegetable and I suspect it could almost be described as a fungus. Since spuds are the only specific ban I’ve made myself, meat of any kind is definitely still on the menu. Which only highlights the importance of working a diet around you, not working yourself around a diet.

Keep on rolling

Two weeks without a post! Have I forgotten? No, just little to say really. I’ve had a massive binge for the last five days on alcohol BUT I apparently did enough walking/not eating to keep it off – I am now officially below the 16 stone mark! My weight is now 223lbs, half way to my target and well within my timescale. This, obviously makes me happy.

Having said this, I still find things to be disappointed in – if we can’t find flaws, we’re not looking hard enough. I’ve not been going to the gym much at all (twice in two weeks, hardcore work out schedule right there!) and while I am getting enough exercise by walking around and/or forgetting to MOT my car I don’t feel I’m working enough to build up as well as work off. That’s right; I plan to be in shape rather than just ‘not fat’. You ain’t nothing if you ain’t go ambition – one of the few phrases I’ll use the word ‘ain’t’ in because I imagine it being said by Rocky. Or possible Dwayne Johnson. Either way, it’s my current motivational line for myself and it’s been working out okay thus far. So I will get round to focusing more on work out rather that just working off. 

When is a problem, though. I have far too many social obligations to meet for me to be able to dedicate time to the gym on any kind of schedule. Currently, it’s looking like Saturday and Sunday mornings which is going to mean I will have to man-up and face my hangovers rather than just curl in a ball and sob incoherently, which is my current method. To get around my time issue I’m instituting my old loading-screen strategy from university (again). This entails doing ten press ups in each loading screen while I’m playing games (more if the game is AvP2 or C&C Generals because they have a load screen almost too long for my attention span). While not apparently intense I see a good 5-20 loading screens depending on how busy my night is/how many times I die before giving up so should go some way towards helping in that regard; 50-200 push ups a night seems a fairly all right amount, but I’m fat so what do I know about working out?

As I said, I’ve spent the last five days pretty much subsisting on alcohol, occasional supported by barbecued meat and brioche. There was far too little bacon for my preference but that complaint was registered and acknowledged so I guess I could let it drop. Maybe. Either way, my diet was terrible and it’s possibly only because I walked everywhere (including from Balham to Tooting beneath the blazing sun for almost 3 hours – not bitter, just burnt) that I didn’t put on any serious weight. However, even while drinking I tried to stay aware of what I was doing calorie wise, favouring spirits except when I hadn’t eaten and trying to balance my food-to-alcohol intake so that I could survive and not require too much drink to become drunk. I feel it worked, but apparently I let the side down a bit on Sunday by kicking a chair in my local pub. Sorry everyone; my bad. I don’t remember doing it but I don’t actually remember many specific details for a two hour period. Shout out to George for chatting to me outside for 40 minutes, definitely helped me sober up. And not kick any more unsuspecting or undeserving furniture. 

While also showing I can be as rambunctious and uncivil a drunk as I occasionally was in my student days, it also demonstrates you can binge drink while on a diet without going over your (calorie) limit. Not a healthy diet, but if you’re only looking to lose weight you can meet that objective while still being inebriated enough to think that karaoke is the greatest idea ever.