The Old War Horse

               I managed three runs last week; one with my neighbour, one with a work friend and even one by myself. It was a net total of about an hour to an hour-ten on the run but I put some effort into pushing myself to run a little faster than I found natural. Hopefully it was of some benefit. I also spent six hours Airsofting on Saturday evening which was some pretty good exercise itself. This feels like a good return to me regime, but obviously I want to up it a bit. This is being done by bullying my neighbour into running longer, challenging my work friend and giving myself a little more time to run. Do I feel any better for this?

                Not really. This is unfortunate, but while I’m glad I am putting the effort in I have yet to feel a return to the boundless energy I felt I had access to over the summer. This, my friends, is called ‘losing fitness’. It can happen disquietingly quickly and is quite disappoint when discovered. However, on a positive note, it’s fairly easy to regain. I definitely don’t feel as unfit as I once was – not by a long shot – and I’m still quite comfortable doing twenty minute runs, even at higher speeds. However, half an hour is looking much harder than it once was. 

                The only way to fix this is with the application of effort. It’s not necessarily an enjoyable process but it’s going to be a rewarding one. So I’m pushing myself back into exercise, despite the cold weather, and trying to cut back on the zero-value foods I eat (potato has crept back into my diet and I feel this is the biggest reason for my difficulty). This is somewhat of a loss, but only in a superficial sense; my long term fitness and health will certainly benefit from it. But isn’t wanting to look good in and of itself actually a superficial attitude?

                The question arises after my brother recently asked me whether I thought he was shallow or not. This in turn made me question whether or not my focus on fitness and physical appearance was a shallow pursuit – and then, in turn, whether this was necessarily a bad thing. My conclusion was that it was shallow, but that it wasn’t bad or wrong of me.

                Why is it shallow? Well, I’m purely basing a virtue upon its outward appearance, with no closer analysis. Since my analysis of the problem lacked depth – I was fat, I wanted to not be fat/look attractive – the decision itself to lose could not help but lack depth. I was trying to increase my apparent worth based upon my physical appearance; the very definition of shallow! How could I ever doubt that it was for shallow or superficial reasons?

                Well, that’s all wrapped up in why it wasn’t a bad or wrong thing to decide. Firstly, I certainly do not judge my entire worth – material, intellectual and spiritual – upon how I look. I did not consider myself a ‘bad’ person because I was fat. It wasn’t morally wrong to be fat, nor ethically. As such my losing weight only affected myself in any serious way – my friends nor more like or dislike me now that I have lost weight compared to when I hadn’t, for example. They are impressed and encouraging, but it is a personal change for a personal benefit, and it was always going to be that way. So there was no socio-cultural fallout from me losing weight, nor was anyone harmed or hurt by it. Ergo, not morally wrong.

                Secondly (I do love my quasi-numbered paragraphs, don’t I?) there was the desire for attention – to be found attractive. I feel I, as a personality (a mind, philosophically speaking) was always attractive. I say this not to boast but to clarify and confirm that I did not and do not judge my worth purely upon my physical appearance. This said, losing weight has undeniably made me look and feel more physically attractive. Is that bad? Certainly not. It would be if I lorded it over others, or made people feel bad about how they look, but I have not done this in any way – at least, not deliberately or with intent and I hope in no other way at all. So again, though shallow in decision there is nothing ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with it. 

                Thirdly and finally, humans are visual animals – evolved as predators or created as stewards, either role or belief makes us primarily visual beings. We definitely judge each other based on appearance; we’re wired to, we can’t help it. Closing your mind against revising that judgement is wherein lies the sin - social, moral and ethical. As long as you do not use just physical appearance as your sole measure of someone and their worth, you’re okay to make judgments about it. 

This also prevents the arguments use as a defence for not losing weight – “I’m not a shallow or judgmental person!” doesn’t mean being overweight makes you a better person. Just as surely it doesn’t make you a bad person, but please do not try to hide behind moral betterment to disguise a refusal to motivate yourself. Just as there is nothing wrong with being overweight, there is equally nothing wrong with being in shape.

 

Time to Get Fuel Efficient Again

                I almost hit 14 stone again! Fourteen! That’s a shocking increase of around 7lbs over two months – effectively undoing six weeks work. This is obviously disappointing. I have, over the last month, fought it down to 13st and 10lbs which has cheered me up a bit but it was scarily easy for me to slip back into gaining wait at quite a drastic pace. So how did it happen?

                I basically stopped running. Again. No real reason – maybe because it gets dark earlier. This isn’t an I’m-afraid-of-the-dark thing; running on tarmac is horrible and running through woods when you can’t see where you’re going is dangerous. So how am I remedying this? Going to the gym and using the treadmill. It’s an awful lot more dull but I’d rather go there and get it done than continue sliding into being a slob. It also gives me a chance to use other machines – rowers, cycles, weights – that mean I can balance my exercise regime somewhat.

                To put it in perspective this time last year I was much more regimented in my work out – three times a week, set times on each machine – even though (maybe because?) I was a lot less fit. What happened then, that changed my attitude? Because that’s clearly what has changed – I still need to lose weight and getting fitter is always good.

                Firstly, I had a lot more weight to lose; it was much more pressing as an issue. Without checking I think I was about 2-2.5 stone heavier, which is a lot of extra weight. I saw on a youtube video advertising some sort of health food/protein shake/miracle thingy (a really credible source in other words) that the average man is about seventeen pounds overweight. By that (debatably accurate) standard I am an average man now – back then I was over twice as much overweight as was average. What a depressing thought! But it probably drove me a lot harder than the comfort being within the ‘average weight’ category does. So I’m assigning myself a new objective off of the back of that: lose seventeen pounds. This is a very different and much more focused objective than a general weight-loss goal and I’m hoping it’ll keep me on track. Coming up to Christmas, I appreciate I’m in for a tough challenge.

                Secondly I was trying to impress someone – or perhaps wanting to impress them too much is a better way of putting it. Either way, I have a very different mind-set now; I’m still trying to impress people (including, importantly, myself) but in what is, quite frankly, a less desperate manner. However, I’m also trying to get some writing published, apply for university next year, hunt down promotion opportunities at work and maybe fit exercise in the middle of all that and a full time job. Because I have so much other things going on in my life (which is good) my self-esteem is higher and as such while I certainly want to exercise and do so, it is more on an as and when basis rather than an obsessive one-track-mind kind of way. I think this actually makes me a much more interesting and attractive person so I’m not too disappointed.

                Thirdly I’m still resting on my laurels somewhat – I have to thank a lot of people for the compliments and congratulations they have been giving me. Dys, Steely, and Catherine are the most recent people to be vocal about it specifically – albeit Steely did so at urinal in a pub toilet which was awkward for everyone except him – but all of it is appreciated. I mention these three specifically because it their comments were made in such an open or honest way I was actually nearly speechless with gratitude. I’d like people who know me to notice the word ‘nearly’; I accept that my mouth runs on emergency arrogance when my brain doesn’t provide it with something to say. So if you complimented me or even commented on my weight-loss and I’ve not said anything or been a bit of a Richard about it then that’s because I was grateful and appreciative. However, your comments have made me unfortunately comfortable with my weight and shape, so through my own error I’ve slacked off.

                Remedies for this are basically as listed above – set a different style of objective. With more focus I hope to retain it. My next door neighbour is embarking on a 10k run next year – something I’m not sure I could manage anymore – so I’m dragging her to the gym twice a week for some practice, building my stamina back up and hopefully also improving as well. I will restart my yoga classes and other exercise I do/did so that I at least have something resembling a regime. The big lesson? Make time for your weight loss, otherwise all your good intentions and effort may be wasted.

I’m Terribly Sorry; You Have Obesititis.

I was recently asked what my thoughts were on the idea that obesity is a disease. This is an idea I have given thought to in the past, and firmly reject. There are a couple of reasons for this, and in my usual rough-and-ready manner I will be outlining them here. This is a bit of a disclaimer – I’ve always been aware that my views are fairly hardline and sometimes a little harshly put across. Someone once even called them unsympathetic. I personally find that idea hilarious! How could I, of all people, not understand the plight of those trying to lose weight? I think it comes down to my attitude – I accepted it had been my action that caused my condition, and it would be primarily my actions that provided the way to deal with it. And I was fairly hard on myself about it; ergo, in the expression of my feelings about the subject of losing weight, I am very firm with my views.

It helps that what I’ve done has worked – I wouldn’t propagate a theory that hadn’t been successful except to annoy people, which on a subject as intimate and close to my heart as weight loss I wouldn’t do. It is a serious concern for a high number of people and one that people are constantly looking for assistance with and this blog is actually intended to help people, as much as some might be surprised I am doing anything with that goal in mind. For that reason, everything I write down is meant to entertain or advise, possibly both. Don’t like it, don’t take it but don’t for a second assume I don’t understand or appreciate how difficult a struggle fighting obesity can be.

Back to the whole ‘obesity as a disease’ subject! I’ve heard a lot of discussion about this and, while little of it was scientific or professional, I have considered a lot of different views about it. My first response to calling it a disease is that no, it cannot be one; it is an effect. Simply put, you eat too much and you get fat. That’s the base equation; some might call it harsh. But it’s not, it’s just simple. You get cut, you bleed; you get happy, you smile; you eat too much, you get fat. It is what happens. But is it fair to break it down to such a bare bones analysis? I mean, arguably if you don’t eat you lose weight and get ill. There are complications in life that we can’t rule out.

People have told me it’s genetic; you can ‘inherit’ being fat from your parents. I think, using Darwin’s law of ‘Survival of the Fittest’, this could happen over a series of generations if being obese is continued through those generations. It has to be worked towards, it’s not something you can achieve without eating a substantial amount – the human body is, after all, designed as an energy using machine. This means you have to eat more than you use before it starts to build up – sounds simple but I know I really had to put some effort into accepting that I was eating too much for my level of activity. If this happens over several generations you will be passing on an increasing ability to store fat – to get fat – to your children. So, sure it can be genetic but at the same time there needs to be a significant history of obesity in your family for it to be a big factor. 

Even then it’s more a susceptibility to obesity you are passing on rather than obesity itself. I have found no evidence of an actual gene or genetic trait that means you will be born fat, or destined to be fat. It is something you can fight, something you can struggle against. Allowing yourself to believe it is genetic and therefore inescapable means you will never believe you can avoid it. This is not evidence of it being a disease; it is evidence of it being a belief, or possibly a psychological disorder or syndrome if you don’t like the first term. I firmly believe, think, understand, appreciate, subscribe to and agree with (whichever term has more meaning for you) the idea that we can create barriers in our minds that has a powerful effect on how we behave and act – and dieting, eating and exercise habits or over-eating are all equally affected by those mental barriers. Willpower is key to everything we do, this no less.

Another reason I don’t qualify obesity as a disease; it’s not contagious or infectious. Arguably if you are in a social group or culture where obesity is the norm you are more likely to replicate this behaviour and accept it. However, this is a behavioural phenomenon or a cultural influence and there is nothing biological, viral or parasitical causing it except by the use of an artistic – and somewhat powerful – metaphor. If someone has a cold, or a stomach bug, or Ebola, sitting next to them on the bus is probably not going to end well for you (especially option three). You may not be infected but there’s a fair chance (or a terrifying chance for option three). No matter how many times you sit next to, near, around or interact with someone who is obese, this interaction alone will not make you fat.

Lastly, there is no ‘cure’ or ‘pill’ or medical service to deal with obesity. You see advertisements for ‘skinny pills’ or ‘lose fat fast’ tablets all the time; the only way this will work is either by killing your ability to feel hunger (potentially fatal and probably not good for you) or by you subscribing to the idea that they work (read: Placebo effect). If there was a pill that caused a fat-targeting bacteria or enzyme to be released in your body that someone didn’t turn out to be a flesh eating virus/parasite/bacteria then I’m pretty sure knowledge of it wouldn’t be restricted to tiny, cheap adverts on dodgy websites. 

There are ways you can lose weight, of course; exercise, concerted dieting and sheer bloody-minded determination to do so. Like I said, being fat is not some insurmountable destiny just like having a six-pack and being able to bench press another human being isn’t some God-given power available only to those who purely coincidentally hang out in gymnasiums regularly. Unless there is indeed a God and he plays far more games with us than previous thought, but somehow I doubt that; either It wanted me to lose 6 stone in a year or I achieved that by myself through my own decisions. Eating is an addiction, not a disease, and obesity is a symptom or effect of that addiction – just like yellow nails and teeth for smokers or the inability to maintain three connected thoughts for meth-addicts. So empower yourself with the knowledge you do not have to wait for a miracle cure, you can save yourself if you want to. And if you want it, go out and do it.

Killing Fat Softly II: Attack of the Fat

It’s been 3 months since I restarted my diet – I was a little lax over the whole of March, a little in celebration and a little because I was resting on my laurels. So far I’ve only lost another three pounds, putting me on 187lbs over all. I’ve had a ten day holiday in Chicago which was always going be a test of my ability to control my intake/motivate myself to exercise suitably to compensate for the fun I intend to have, but it was a challenge I relished. I didn’t very well though, so I am restarting the blog! <Cue fanfare>

                Now, I appreciate I may have appeared to give up on the diet/blog/both since March and to some extent, if I’m honest, I did. I slacked off, let my iron clad grip on my self-restraint slip slightly and began to give myself a couple more cheat days a week. This was not conducive to keeping up my rate of weight loss, as demonstrated by the above performance but I started to find it incredibly difficult to actually enjoy a meal out while still keeping to the diet. I’ve still lost some weight – and I’ve definitely indulged a little bit, had too many starters when I didn’t need to and maybe eaten a little bit much cheese.

                I have, however, been running as much as I can motivate myself to. This is about 10k a week so not a bad amount at all, in my opinion – if I was settling for being my current weight and fitness. I do not believe in settling for less, and I do not expect anyone else to settle for less on my behalf. I would rather be described as ‘impressive’ and ‘outstanding’ than ‘pretty good’ or ‘good enough’.

                So what have I done to amend my wayward weight ways? Mainly, more running. And skipping starters as well as deserts – and keeping to my promise of actually going to the gym or some kind of exercise class that isn’t just running. I want to make sure I’m not letting myself down, which I have to admit I was after I finished my first year.

                BUT NO LONGER! I’m back on the boat, the band wagon, the weight-loss diet-train and happy to be there! Or I tell myself I am at least; it’s still tough work. Easier than originally on some fronts – I am equipped with much more knowledge and armed with experience from my first year so I have better habits and behavioural patterns. However, I need to eat less to lose the same amount of weight, or work out more to allow myself to eat more. How am I managing it?

                Food first, as always! Breakfast is an epic feast of a banana and not one but two Actimel yogurts – a grand total of about 150-180 calories. This is followed by a lunch time indulgence of a whole bowl of salad and bacon strips which I count at an average of 400 calories and about four of my five/six/eight/ten portions of fruit and vegetables your meant to have each day, depending on which country you’re from. This total extravagance of about 600 calories leaves an impressive 700 for dinner, which is an absolutely massive meal of pasta, spinach, kale, asparagus, sweetcorn and some form of meet which is usually chicken unless I have some sausages available – this rare, since I don’t often buy them for fear of waking up on Saturday morning and eating all of them at once in a medicinal, hangover-fueled feast. So as you can see, my food life is full of fun and freedom. Sure, some may call this ‘impossible’ or ‘oppressive’ or, even, ‘absolutely ridiculous’. Which aren’t entirely unfair phrases.

                Which is why I exercise as well! I aim for 10-15km a week over two or three days, yoga and swimming once a week each, thirty press-ups, crunches, tricep lifts and squats a day and some assorted stretches. Intense, non? Compared with where I started – occasionally walking to/from the pub – this is an incredible amount, and being honest sucks up a lot of my time. I even do some weight lifting in my back garden with my brother something I don’t think anyone who knows me would have predicted. I wouldn’t say I enjoy it as such, but I do find it rewarding – not only is my fitness increasing but I get to eat more as well, thereby surviving on more than a starvation diet. Silver linings, right?

 

Falling Behind and Catching Up

                Two cheat days in a row last weekend was a bad idea. Especially since I did the same thing the weekend before at my friend’s stag do. After a year of dieting you’d think I could work this out ahead of time but no, my inherent inability to organize and plan things has struck again so at the beginning of this week I weighed 13st 10lbs, or 192lbs.

                As of time of writing I’ve got that back down to 13st 8lbs, or 190lbs, but it’s still a bit of a let-down for me personally. I’ve also not really been going to the gym or playing squash regularly enough to make up for it so I’ve plateaued in my weight loss. I’ve got complacent and comfortable in my eating, dietary, and exercise habits which is not good – as an ever changing and constantly evolving process it is something I should be very proactive in monitoring and keeping up with. Lent also started on Tuesday; I can smell an opportunity here.

                I’m a big believer that ‘giving something up’ doesn’t have to be a passive process of self-denial. I’m already on a pretty stringent diet ( if I keep to it :/ ) so giving up more food-related things is probably not the best way to go. I am planning to abandon desserts entirely however – it won’t be any great loss to me and it’ll be a good way to care for my calorie intake a lot more. So what am I going to do? Be more proactive about it – specifically, be more active.

                My exercise regime has suffered greatly over the last fortnight. I’ve destroyed the habit of going to the gym and I can’t always find a partner for squash even if I try to get different people to come down to the courts over the course of a week. The massive advantage of the gym is that I can do it when I’m alone rather than squash which I will only do if I have a friend – partly because I’m not motivated, a lot of which comes from the lack of competition and the knowledge that technically I could be spending my exercise time in a more calorie efficient manner upstairs in the gym in the same Goddamned building. 

                So, having found a very reliable rock and two birds in need of stoning this is the plan I shall enact: For the next 38 days (and 38 nights) I will be doing at least a twenty minute run every day. I will make time for this in and/or around my schedule and I will not postpone or cancel it for any non-emergency reason. I can think of no reason my exercise treason should be forgot or forgiven and this is how I will make amends to myself through this manner. This I solemnly swear upon the virtual altar of the internet, etcetera, etcetera, ad nausea. 

                So that’s my challenge which I will meet. I would encourage anyone who is trying to lose weight or get fitter (or both) to do something similar. It doesn’t have to be a twenty minute run every day – it could be a twenty minute walk, or two lots of fifty star jumps, or some other quick and easy addition to your schedule which is doubtfully so busy you could afford to spare the time. Do you really need to keep up with every episode of that soap opera? Is it really so heinous that you cut into your reading/gaming/embroidery/other hobby time slightly to improve yourself? I find it unlikely. In my other blog I wrote about making time for the things we really want and I’m sure I’ve mentioned it in this one at some point. A friend at work was saying he couldn’t find any time around a job, sleeping and eating for the things he really wanted to do. After he argued for a bit he admitted he probably had around forty hours a week to play around with. Twenty minutes every day only costs about two and a half of those hours, to put it in perspective.

                Start taking the stairs everywhere you have the option. Walk to the shops and back rather than drive. Stop making excuses to be lazy. I wake up at 7am every day I work and don’t actually get out of bed until about 7:45am, because I’m lazy, enjoy pretending to have a lie in and stay up too late the night before to qualify as a responsible adult. Without any major change to my schedule I can wake up at 7am, go for a twenty minute run, shower and still have an extra ten to fifteen minutes floating in the morning. So before I even go to work I could call my day productive! How awesome is that?

                I will not be running every day before work, but I will make sure I am running every day. This is on top of squash or gym or any other exercise I do – as I said, it is and addition to my lifestyle and week-by-week living. This is what I am doing for Lent for my diet. I’ve given up other things that aren’t really relevant but I can already tell lunch time is going to be a trial; triple chocolate brownies are making an appearance on the menu today. Lo, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of fattening foods I will fear no calories…

Are You Having Fun Yet?

                  This was originally written on Thursday. It is testament to my amazing powers of organization that it took me this long to get it posted. Be impressed, readers.

                  I played another game of squash last night, and I really enjoyed it. In fact, I play four games with a friend of mine – thankfully, as I lost the first two dismally but managed a comeback taking the next two. While my friend was basically exhausted afterwards I’m pretty sure he must have enjoyed it to some extent. I’m pretty sure he agreed to go again as well. I didn’t burn as many calories as doing solid cardio for an equivalent time but I certainly got more satisfaction out of it.

                So what about this experience warrants a second blog post this week? It caused a bit of a revelation for me that I wanted to share. This was that I didn’t consider it a chore at all – not that it wasn’t tiring or required no effort, but I thoroughly enjoyed it all the way through so while it wasn’t quite as effective for calorie burn I felt I had spent my time a lot more enjoyably even thorough I was still exercising. Some people might find this a fairly obvious realization – that sports were, you know, intended to be fun – but I had previously not found any which I personally enjoyed. This meant that I was happier doing the exercise and got a better feeling afterwards as well – and I really needed the exercise, having just discovered my successful dieting had brought my calorie limit down to 1290 if I still want to lose 2lbs a week.

                I’ll be honest; I’m not limiting my intake enough to lose 2lbs a week any more. Evidence of this was the sticky chocolate pudding I had yesterday, lightly bathed in custard (hence the emergency trip to the squash court). I need to fit in more physical activity if I’m going to hit my increased goal of being 13 stone when I turn 26, and this discovery about exercise possibly being fun as well as beneficial is going to go a long way to helping that. If I can seriously manage to go to the squash courts four times a week, jogging there and walking back, I’ll be burning about 500 calories in a hour of activity which I enjoy.

                Now, numerically that is far inferior an amount than if I run for an hour – which burns about 900. And if I was truly set on this whole exercise thing, getting in shape and becoming semi-Olympian in appearance in the near future I would do that. However, I’m not; the diet and the exercise are still, as they have always been, for me and at a level I can manage, sustain and enjoy. If one of those three factors is lacking, for anyone, in their exercise regime it becomes unmanageable, unsustainable or unenjoyable (see how well that works?) and any of those negative additions to an activity or task make it much, much harder to finish or go through with – and exercise is no different.

                So that is my new mission statement for exercise – less intense, more regularly, more enjoyable. There were more ‘more’s’ in that statement so it must be an improvement. I would recommend anyone trying to lose weight or get fit (or both) try the same. Obviously you’ll have guess this already if you’re more experienced in the wonderful world of exercise, and you will need a greater intensity to get the same kind of benefit and if you’re looking to build muscle you’ll have to be pretty picky about which sport you choose if you want to get the same benefit as just pumping iron. 

So this anecdotal advice is not for you – it’s for people who are looking to improve general fitness or lose a bit of weight without feeling like the elephant in the room when they walk in the gym. I know that’s how I felt for the first couple of months I went, and I’m not saying everyone feels that way either; I’m just letting people know I appreciate it can be scary. One of my friends at work has said the gym is boring and terrifying because everyone is staring at you. I know a lot of my other friends share her opinion and this can be a very intimidating feeling – I would like to point out it is wholly not true. I people watch a lot as a hobby (because I am clearly the coolest thing since refrigeration) and very few people at the gym watch other people there, let alone out right stare or glare. Sure, there’s a couple of not-quite-casual glances but it’s nothing like the playground bullying people expect or assume to happen. Even if it did, you’re there for you – the fact that others might make comments or jibes just demonstrates an insecurity in themselves.

Yeah, I know that’s not a wholly convincing statement, or even if you do believe it you can argue that it doesn’t stop people having their own insecurities which is the crux of that matter. Doing a sport with friends is another good way around that insecurity – safety in numbers and all that. It’s also fun and distracts you from other worries that, quite frankly, are less important. A good sense of competitive camaraderie is healthy in any group of friends and indulging and/or encouraging that in any is great for getting you to do things you wouldn’t normally. So get out there, try something new and find out if you can enjoy some form of exercise!

Getting Close to Clawing Distance

                 13st 7lbs after breakfast, Monday started well! Then I forgot my work pass, wallet and hadn’t got much sleep so when these three realizations hit me in the work car park I wanted to crawl into the back seat of my car and sleep the day away. Fortunately I managed to get myself together enough to make into the office and once I’d got there I wasn’t getting away from it. So I’ve ploughed through today and just about made it.

                In diet news I have now tried my week without exercise. I felt lazy and fat for not going and didn’t really spend my time much more productively. Thus I have reasoned the gym and exercise are still worthwhile as part of my weekly schedule. I snuck in a quick visit on Sunday playing squash with a friend which was pretty fun, and also spawned the conversation I’m going to write about today.

                We were basically discussing ‘being thin’ versus ‘being fit’. My objective for the last year has been the former, but she’s quite far ahead of me on that and so her objective has been the latter. Having shunned weights for the majority of my workout practice I was reticent to agree initially but that was because I was looking at it from my point of view – I still need to lose weight and building muscle doesn’t do that for me. From her point of view, however, cardio is next to useless for building upper body strength and so is far less important to her as part of a workout. So we kind of went round and round in our discussion without really getting anywhere. 

                I didn’t have the above revelation until yesterday evening, so was at least half to blame for our conversation becoming a little circular. I blame the fact that I was tired from the workout and was recovering from being beaten by a girl at squash, which are terrible excuses but it’s the best I can manage. I did accept that my upper body strength was not what I wanted it to be, however, and also that I would be changing my workout system to build on this come the turning of my twenty-sixth year. That being in the very near future, however, I wondered if it was worth waiting.

                My quandary comes from the fact that I originally started my diet, and this record of it, in the pursuit of becoming thin and set out to achieve that goal within a year. I am reluctant to start doing weight work at the gym, most likely only because I haven’t done any of it before and don’t really know what I would do, because that year is not quite up yet. However after the above conversation with my friend I’ve realised my goal was flawed from the outset – or perhaps ‘restricted’ is a better word. While weight loss was my primary goal, secondary to that was being in shape. This appears to have been an unconscious aim, so much so that it took me a year to realise and/or accept it. 

Perhaps it was also related to what I like to think of realistic achievement setting; when I started my diet I was 18st and 9lbs – 261lbs – and at that stage being fit and in shape was an unrealistic goal in the conceivable future. However, now I’m in a much better place to achieve that goal so I could – and probably will – change my targets for my fitness regime to include a little more muscle and weight work. My arms are looking a bit spindly and I don’t think that’s just down to a skewed perspective from having been fat. I’m still pretty terrible at pull ups so that’s something I definitely want to work on. 

What I am trying to drive at is that each person’s diet and exercise decisions are their own, and there is only one way a plan is going to work for that person – if they like it or not. Humans are incredibly capable when it comes to finding ways not to do things that they don’t want to – so good in fact that they sometimes find themselves struggling against their own instinctive need to avoid them – this is probably a socio-culturally influenced conclusion so isn’t a hard-and-fast scientific rule, for those of you about to reject my theory. So if someone tells you this is what you must do and you disagree then you will find ways to avoid doing it, or to disprove their statement. If you don’t want to do something your instinctive response – somewhat obviously – will be to not do it. It is ingrained at some primal level. This is why habits are so hard to break, and why we look for patterns in everything. 

The trick is not to break habits, but change them. Craft your responses and behaviours like an artisan creates a sculpture; little by little and adapting older parts as new ideas form. You can become a work of art, but that does require effort. Make the effort, make yourself want to make the effort, and you’ll find yourself achieving a lot more. No, it’s not easy, but do it bit by awkward bit and you will end up with a whole you have reformed in an image you wanted. If you change your mind, you can change that form even as you go. 

So, Katie, I’m sorry I was stuck in my point of view too much we could have a proper discussion about fitness and working out. I’ll have a more open mind next time and you can show me around the weight room more. I will change my goals and my methods so that they come closer to the design I want to achieve. I will also beat you at squash, but that’s a goal for the middle future I think – especially considering how much time I spent running into walls.

You Eat What You Earn

Last week was a lazy week. Only two gym visits and not one, not two but three whole cheat days. It didn’t go ideally to plan, and as of this morning I was about the same weight as last Monday, although I weighed myself after breakfast. Some of you might wonder how much I eat for breakfast that it matters what time I weigh myself in the morning but it can make all the difference sometimes – even if it’s only in my head some mornings.

                So how am I planning to fix this? Well, I’m not really sure. I’m going to the gym tonight and Wednesday, but I’ve been booked out tomorrow as well as the weekend and might be busy on Thursday night. So it may be that I don’t have that much time. I’m going to be trying to sneak in a session on Tuesday quickly but it’s not looking good. So it looks like a week of thin rations rather than plenty, and back to dieting basics. However I’ve encountered a few problems with this, having tried it last week.

                I really don’t like pasta any more. I stopped eating it so much since I started going to the gym, as I had more calories to use up and could have a wider variety of foods as a result, and having tried to go back to it as a low calorie, filling meal I’ve found I don’t find it appetising in the least. Weirdly, rice tempts me powerfully but is not as good a supplement as it takes more of it to fill me up and I’m pretty sure is less healthy. If I’m incorrect please correct me so I can have it without feeling like a diet-traitor. I’m also going off kale. I don’t think I ever really liked it, if I’m honest, but it is far too good for me to not eat. Coupled with my drop in interest for pasta it makes my evening meals a bit of a chore. “So you don’t have to eat anything in the evening, right? That’ll help the diet!” – Not really. I still need to eat to live.

                So how am I going to solve this conundrum? Well, I could talk to people who cook and find a couple of low calorie meals to make, varying my diet a little (shock horror) and making sure I never really fill my food life with too much of the same thing. This is probably the best plan I can come up with, so I should really make an effort to enact it. The problem is my evenings are quite busy and cooking can take an unfortunate amount of time. Yes, I know I keep saying we make time for the things we want to do but I don’t want to cook really; what I actually want to do is eat without having to work for it. That’s a very, very lazy outlook, I know. And when I do cook I do enjoy it but it still seems a bit of a chore when I think about it in advance, mostly due to the time it takes to do it rather than the effort. So what I’m looking for are quick, healthy, low calorie meals which require minimal effort to prepare and are fairly filling.

                Do not, do not, say salads. Yes, I appreciate my aversion to them seems mildly unintelligent and counter-productive but I don’t find them appetising at all. Maybe I need to learn to enjoy them, and this is something I am getting closer and closer to experimenting with. They are not something that I want forced upon me though. Part of my reticence is spawned of fear they won’t fill me up, which sounds pretty dumb now I come to voice the concern – I could always, you know, eat more to compensate as something lacking meat and carbohydrate isn’t going to have a massive calorie count to it so that shouldn’t be a worry. And yes, I know I can actually add some meat to them if I want a bit of carnivore-friendly flavour. It’s something I will look into, at some point, but before I push the boat out that far I’ll look for alternatives I feel more tempted by.

                So do I have any of my own ideas or am I just going to beg for them? Well, basically every woman I’ve spoken to has decided to mock my ability to cook based on the fact I’m a man and therefore am genetically unable to. Contrary to this, I can; it is definitely a ‘won’t cook’ issue for me. Tonight I’m probably looking at a risotto, which I appreciate is not the height of culinary genius but I’ll be honest; ‘cooking’ of any variety is basically heating things up to a specific temperature for a specific time. Yes, you can add herbs and spices and such, and I do, but it’s not a secret, ninja art taught only in shadow and quiet whispers. I don’t want to belittle those who can cook really well – you certainly have an admirable talent. What I want to say is if someone applies themselves they can probably prepare a meal of a fairly impressive standard for an amateur. I’m not saying any one can be a chef, but nearly everyone can be a cook.

                What am I trying to say, apart from perhaps digging myself into a hole with culinary experts and professional kitchen preparation artists everywhere? Simply, that anyone can cook. Get your ingredients, don’t be an idiot when you choose how to prepare them, make sure you don’t burn them, don’t drop them on the floor. The real trick is knowing what goes with what and when to mix them; the rest is just observation and light lifting. Yes, fire can be scary. Sure, you might get it wrong. Ideally check with whoever you’re cooking for that they eat what you’re going to prepare – having made this mistake it was very awkward half way through the meal when the other person revealed they didn’t eat one of the things I’d put in there. It wasn’t an allergic reaction, but it wasn’t a best pleased one either.

                Why is this relevant to dieting? Two reasons! One, it allows you to control your intake with a lot more detail and therefore you will find it easier to diet/not over eat. Again, it still requires a measure of self-control but even one of my work colleagues, who admits to having all the self-control of a small child that is high on sugar and has been set alight, is managing it now he’s preparing his own food. It also gives you a sense of satisfaction and pride in what you’re eating, a sense you deserve to eat it. I like to think this is linked to hunter-gatherer instincts rewarding you for your hard work.

                The second reason is that dieting can be expensive if you buy pre-packaged or pre-prepared diet food/meals. Actimel don’t price their yogurts and more cheaply than full fat ones because they’re giving you less stuff in them, and all types of food that sell themselves on containing less of X, Y and/or Z appear to cost more for the pleasure of their consumption. However, buying your own ingredients can be very cheap, as long as you’re not importing the finest ostrich meat from Australia or having caviar for breakfast regularly. I find that either the meals are cheaper if you buy the ingredients separately or you get a lot more meals out of the same amount of money as if you bought pre-prepared branded food stuffs. And you learn a life skill: sounds like a bargain.

                I therefore recommend doing you own cooking if you’re looking to lose weight, sticking with my theme for DIY dieting. The best way to do a thing is to learn as much as you can about it, so empower yourself with some creative cooking knowledge and get to it! Or, if you’re like me, do what you did at university in a desperate attempt to avoid awful malnutrition issues and find some succulent solutions to starvation which are both simple and satisfying.

Drogo Week

               Another week, another pound! I’m now 13st 10lbs, 192lbs or 87kg depending on your measurement preference. I fit comfortably into my 34” jeans as opposed to only just and have even more clothes to throw out. So plenty of good news, right? I’m also getting plenty of compliments too, so I have absolutely nothing to complain about. Or do I?

                I do, because I’m from the First World and as such have grown up looking for the flaws and imperfections that make my brilliant life ‘incomplete’. What am I complaining about? Myself – some might call that unusual but it is the purpose of this blog, really. What did I do? I cut my gym session last night by forty five whole minutes. I was still there for an hour and a half, and I did only cut it short because between finishing work at six, eating and getting to sleep at a decent (ish) time squashing in a gym visit of longer than an hour is difficult. The other issue was I had fallen so far behind in calorie count I had to make up by eating that I was concerned I wouldn’t be able to if I carried on through with my work out plan. I wasn’t exhausted when I left but I was tired, and had travelled fifteen km over three machines so it was by no means a wasted trip. I just feel I let myself down by not staying longer, and I’m also going to eat slightly less afterwards as I felt rotten after what was actually quite a healthy dinner of pasta, bacon and kale (cooked) – it was just an awful lot to eat at once. 

                Today my legs only ache a little and my upper body is fine, so I clearly didn’t do enough work. How to remedy this? Easy; I have created a contingency plan to compensate for this perceived failure and/or increase in ability. Now, being one of my plans, it is obviously considered, well thought through and suitably measured as a response. It certainly does not suffer from an abundance of ambition or an absence of appropriate expectation.

                This week is DROGO WEEK! I’ll be running to and using the gym every day until Friday, and most likely being increasingly tired verging on exhausted every day until Friday too. I definitely didn’t decide on this while under the influence of testosterone – which a friend has convinced me is a mind-altering drug. Regardless, that is my resolution and I will remain resolved to rectify my restrained exercise regime: If I can push myself harder, I should push myself harder.

                Now, just to prove I have given some thought to this titanic (ish) tactic I will point out that I will not be doing the same thing every day at the gym – for instance, having done thirty five minutes on the treadmill (5km) and the same time on the cross trainer (7.25km) yesterday, I will not be using them today. I’m looking at 30 minutes rowing and 35 minutes cycling. I did do ten minutes rowing yesterday for 2.3km but pushed myself too far considering I haven’t done it in about a month. I’m pretty sure if I pace myself I can manage half an hour. My brother’s comment on my rowing yesterday was pretty positive; “You looked pretty good but sounded like a Viking.”

                This is a review I will amenably accept – my music play was too loud for me to hear myself over but I have recently updated my work out playlist so rather than just being everything on my phone it is an actual playlist. It is formed of what I would consider manly, motivational tracks, so mainly metal or things like the Skyrim theme. I have crafted it after a conversation with a friend about the effects of testosterone after which I came to two conclusions; firstly I would use the sauna after every work out to calm down and secondly testosterone is the perfect biological fuel for the fires of my fitness rebirth. Ergo, the new playlist is full of tracks that were written and played after the writer/performer had injected themselves with about 250cc or equal parts testosterone and adrenaline. Currently it’s about thirty minutes in length but I’m planning to build on it. As a bonus I have substantially increased my collection of Scandinavian metal, so it has had non-exercise benefits too. It has certainly kept me motivated and pushing my limits to breaking point.

                The message this week is one of rediscovery. Don’t let your workout – or your diet – become stale or stagnant. It won’t keep you interested or enjoying it, and will make it a chore rather than a challenge, arduous rather than an adventure and embittering rather than empowering. Entropy is the only constant, the only real law of nature and therefore real rebels resist it rather than being rambunctious hipsters. Do not give in to laziness – it leads to inertia and to entropy, which leads to something much less exciting than the Dark Side. You should live your life, not just survive it and so I encourage you to vary your routine – boldly go where you haven’t been before, eat what you haven’t eaten before and do what you haven’t done before. Rediscover the enjoyment you can have from exercise or the satisfaction you find in dieting, or discover something new about those things. Hopefully you’ll even like it.

This Was Honestly Written on Monday

           So it's Monday again! And in the effort of returning to a regular posting schedule I'm writing this before I go to the gym. This morning I weighed in at 7.2kg, which is roughly 13st 11lbs. I believe that is because I weighed myself after breakfast - rookie mistake - so I hold out hope that I've actually lost weight since last week. The all-you-can-eat Chinese on Saturday won't have helped that goal though.

            At the time of writing I feel fat. I'm at 1200 of 1420 calories and a massive 900 (approx) of those were for lunch. It's a horrible mix of sleepiness, pain and being satisfied. However, I decided to eat so much because my last few gym visits have burned more calories than I ate on those days. Which sounds great except I was literally running on empty for the last 20 minutes or so - not an enjoyable experience. Especially as the television offerings were not very palatable; the Antiques Roadshow failed to steal my attention from work out pains.

            Which brings me to the point of this post; tactical distraction. This applies to both dieting and exercise, so should hold some value regardless of why you read this. I'll start with the diet side.

            Hunger strikes. Undeniably, it does so with an accuracy and reoccurring frequency that would turn lightning electric green with envy. Someone once told me your stomach has two modes - full & empty. After some thought my take on this is that your stomach is a binary communicator - like a spoilt and ungrateful child it only talks to you when it wants something. The rest of the time its communication skills are off. It is an air-raid siren; when it speaks it is only ever bad news.

            Worse, it's needy. While you relax and have no other worries - while you are otherwise perfectly content -  it will bother you, niggle at your mind, worry at your attention like a very small dog with no teeth until you sate it. Even when it doesn't really need feeding. This is mainly where the danger lies; when you're feeling safe and secure it will hit your empty mind with a demand to be made full. It will fill your mind with the demand to be full until it's all you can think about. So you cave.

            Your muscles do something similar during exercise. They cry out in desperation as your work them, like a pack of fat children sent into the mines for the first time. The more you work, the more they complain and weep lactic acid tears until you're convinced the one and only thing you can do is stop and break down, joining them in their misery and eventual relief.

            Yes, distraction is the escape plan! Hungry? Do something! Read a book, play a game, go for a walk (away from food retailers), just do something! If your mind is distracted by active or cognitive functions, concentrated on more serious bodily concerns the your hunger will be sidelined. Muscle burn and fatigue is a tougher signal to jam. To begin with if you're exercising well you'll be using a variety of muscles groups and the will bombard you in merciless bio-electrical unison. Again, your mind craves less base stimulus. Music helps, films more so if you can find one you like and something to watch it on. Conversation is the best distraction I've found but I do end up speaking quite loudly in an unfortunately Ron Burgundy-esque fashion (1:36).

            So, what, in fact, is my advice? Prepare distractions when you get ready to go. Got a tablet? Download some films. Bring you phone along and some ear buds. Prepare a playlist that will keep you heart pounding and your brain in the primal state designed by evolution to keep you running from large, angry predators. Go with a friend and gossip a bit (as long as you're okay sharing it with half the gym if you're anything like me) or compete with them.

            You mind is designed to protect your body; unless you actively resist your willpower will give out long before you damage your muscles with exercise. It sounds difficult to believe but that's your brain already working its protective, subconscious magic. Do not plateau. Do not surrender to the temptation of weakness. Do not be Samwell Tarly. Nature did not design the human body to be inactive, unresponsive or weak. You have the fluid grace of a pouncing tiger, the raw strength of an angry gorilla and the undying determination of the lone wolf inside you - you just have to find it. I've spent awhile unearthing it and I'm still doing so. I'm hoping it's like an iceberg and there's a lot more yet to dig up. The only obstacle is your reasoned self-doubt and & your very human susceptibility to self-delusion. Your ability to do a thing is measured first by your belief you can do it, not by your actual ability to. (0:22)

            You may even find new things to enjoy - somehow the Narnia films have got me through a couple of runs despite my original dislike for them. So prepare you distractions, ignore the pleas and pains your body bombards you with and battle towards a brighter, lighter you.

No Snow, Plenty of Food

           A very Merry Christmas time to you! Or whatever time of year you're celebrating at the moment - just as long as you enjoy it. It has been distinctly drizzly and drenching in the English South, varying from the former while I'm inside to the latter when I leave a building. Apart from falling water, I have also had plenty of food during the festive time - has my weight suffered?

            No! Happily - I am now 192.5lbs, 13st and 10.5lbs or just over 87kgs. This is great news, and no I didn't do it by avoiding any kind of main meals or by cutting down on what I ate during those meals. I did it by making sure I stuck to my calories - and usually did so in a single meal - or by getting to the gym/going for a run on days I new I'd be eating a lot.

            This made Christmas and New Year about the same as the rest of the time I've dieted, as far as dieting went. Sure, maybe I had to do a little more exercise and maybe I had a bit of a food coma on Christmas night BUT I didn't have to reduce the amount I enjoyed myself on any occasion. Which is obviously a massive plus.

            As far as the gym goes I am now regularly running for 65 minutes and average about 9.2km in that time. I don't enjoy it for the first twelve minutes, the space between minutes thirty-two and forty-nine but I am pushing myself to maintain the practice. Eventually it will become easier and then comfortable, at which point I will have to up my speed so I still make progress with it. I'm doing heavier weights now as well so when I leave the gym I'm exhausted, hungry, buzzing with energy and immensely dehydrated. Survival advice: Don't talk to me between the end of a gym session and the end of my shower afterwards. I don't make for good company. Some people might find that hard to believe - some, I'm sure, would try to argue that I never make good company - but it happens. It's a problem I'll look into solving in the near future but for now I just have a long, hot shower which seems to do the trick.

            My one failure (dietwise) this week/ten period has been the KFC I had on New Year's day when I got back from London. It was glorious, I loved it, and it really hit the spot (and was technically within calories) but about two hours later I regretted it - I got hungry again. A friend (who's identity I forget at time of writing but I was grateful to for the following information) posted an image on Facebook about why you get urges for certain food groups and possible alternatives that are less fattening; this is potentially a diet-saver for those who have problems. Helpfully I did save the image:

            Pretty neat, right? I haven't tried it out yet but I'm going to be stocking up on kale like it's going out of style. Nuts and Seeds also seem a fairly good snack-food but I appreciate some people have allergies and others might be aware that nuts are actually considerably more fattening than their size suggests. I may even try seaweed but what I've done to solve my 'salty food' craving is to have a pasta meal (not microwaved or pre-packaged) and then adding salt to it. Seems to work - I appreciate it isn't exactly solving the problem but it's got to be better than eating unhealthy things with more salt in. I'm immensely suspicious of eating seeds as I have a childhood fear of plants growing out of my stomach if I eat their seeds from some fairytale or other but I might even give that a go.

            Last bit: Thank yous and stuffs. My brothers Matt and Marcus (as well as the rest of my family) are a continuing source of encouragement and have started joining me at the gym when we can all make it. My friends Paul and Lofty also join me at the gym quite a lot and their compliments and encouraging comments/challenges keep me going. Chris Enfield, Eddy Cara, Dan Drummond and Stuart Merritt are also inspirational by example - I don't talk to them so much as the others but credit where credit is due; they don't all work out, they weren't all overweight but they have all given me reason to keep to trying whether they know it or not. Other thanks: Michael Measures, Cat Haley, Kate Brady, Michael Oswell, Richard Bailey, Dan Adams, Eddie Hopkins, John Dulle, Shereen Fever, David Dyson and everyone else who's said a couple of encouraging things to me when they've had the chance (or complained to their partner about their lack of effort in losing weight after seeing me). There are a lot more people who should be on this list but in the interest of not making this seem like a list of names I'm saving the others for another time. Honestly, I appreciate every word said to me about it so don't stop.

            Not a shameless call for people to feed my ego. Never.

So here it is, Merry Christmas

           And another delayed post! Although a lot of people won't be surprised - some may even be impressed I managed two in ten days. This time my excuse is Christmas and my brother coming home for it as a surprise. Lots of business, no time to blog. Time for diet? Time for gym? Time to Drogo? Yes, yes and yes.

            I managed to hit the gym today after being generously offered a half day at work. As the tail end of a challenge I've taken part in I (with more blasé and confidence than I truly felt) recently boasted to a fellow gym goer that I could run further than her in an hour, or something to that affect. I can't remember exactly what I said, but my intention was to imply I could run further than she could in the same space of time. This morning was full of trepidation and doubt, culminating in my confidence nearly breaking upon mounting the treadmill.

            Fortunately it didn't. The challenge was five miles (8km) in an hour. A fifty-five minute run and a five minute cool-down later I had achieved my goal.

            Just. BUT I truly, honestly felt I could have kept running. I hit my second wind around 20 minutes and after that I think my body gave up complaining. I really felt I could have run and run and run. And I almost did; thankfully I called it there. I was a little off balance as I walked to the weight machines but that passed after my legs had a rest.

           

            I won't lie, I was tired but not exhausted. I was pretty damn impressed with myself for managing it - my normal runs are at a slightly faster pace but only for 20-25 minutes - and from now on I am approaching the gym with a new challenge: Never plateau. This wasn't a direct challenge (although nor was the last one, I just took it as one) since I've never met the man who put forward that exercise philosophy. He's also dead, so sadly I won't. However, Bruce Lee was an incredible person and the perfect inspiration for any work out.

            Now, I know some of you are going to be laughing at the idea that I want to reach his level of fitness. If you are one of them you have failed to read my intention correctly. Of course I don't plan to be the next Bruce Lee; by the age of 25 he had already made a name for himself. While I would like to be that incredible, he did die in his forties because he went beyond the level of fitness his body could sustain - not the goal. He is my inspiration and his attitude and technique can be applied to anyone's situation:

• As you think, so shall you become.

• A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.

• Ever since I was a child I have had this instinctive urge for expansion and growth. To me, the function and duty of a quality human being is the sincere and honest development of one's potential.

• Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.
  
  
• If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.

           

            Nothing in the above says you can not achieve great things. Everything there tells me that I can reach new levels and gain new strengths. When someone says something is beyond their reach I can now say, "Not out of mine." If I truly want something I can pursue it; even if a goal is not reached I will have gained knowledge and experience from the pursuit.

            Except flight. Having made the boast to my youngest brother that I taught Clark Kent everything he knew about being Superman I will have to admit that unaided flight is perhaps outside my current or future capabilities.

            Having said that, staying standing proved too much while stretching and having the reaper horn (first couple of seconds) blare into my headphones while my eyes were closed. Anyone who has played Mass Effect will understand why the flight-or-fight mechanism panicked and I say giant red lasers in my minds eyes. I fell over onto someone else and I'm not sure I hid my expression of confusion that well. Fortunately she just assumed I'd collapsed from (hopefully manly) exhaustion and made sure I was all right while laughing it off. I can't say I was at my most eloquent but it was as embarrassing as it could have been. I think it was more a conditioned response to the sound effect rather than actual exhaustion but explaining it could have been difficult....

            And lastly, Merry Christmas! Or Happy Channukah! Or an enjoyable whatever you celebrate - and if you don't, enjoy the time off. If you don't get any of that I hope the festive season treats you well. Regardless of what you do, have fun! Otherwise it's really not worth it, is it?

Not Quite What Was Expected...

            So I had a post planned for today but it's completely escaped my mind so this is going to be something different altogether. I have now achieved the goal of 14st, or 196lbs. How do I feel? Successful. But more than that I actually feel a little depressed. I know most of my blog entries have been fairly light hearted, and some may interpret this as a cry for attention, but this is where I get to post and publish my thoughts and feelings about my dieting progress. Since this is pretty relevant, it's getting posted. I also believe honesty is important in anything someone considers important, and since this is important to me I'll give honesty a go ^^

            I've just got back from a two hour session at the gym. I was slightly unimpressed with my performance on the treadmill, so pushed myself on the rower and cross trainer. Net gain of this wasafter only achieving 3.26k in 25 minutes on the 'mill, I managed 4.3k in 19 minutes on the rower and an impressive 5.36k in 25 minutes on the 'trainer. I then did about half an hour of weight and muscle work before a ten minute light cycle to cool off. After all of this I felt triumphant, pleased and downright exhilarated - all the way to my car.

           

            While I waited for parents to dance the dance of parking space exchange so I could leave a wave of depression set in. It probably doesn't help that I've been fighting a bit of stress-anxiety over the last few days - the source of which is not relevant to the blog so I won't go in to it, but suffice to say it's a few sources rather than just one - but I realised that while I keep saying I'm doing this for myself, to get in better shape and to be proud of the achievement really that's not the case. As with 99.99% of everything humans do it is mainly because of other people. Societies standards, pier groups, perceived expectations; I realised with a crushing certainty that I was responding to these on an instinctive level and cognitively creating reasons for it that I could justify to myself.

            Why was this depressing? Partly because, as those who know me can attest, I've never been one to do something because it's expected or 'the done thing'. I've always wanted to be my own person and have developed a behaviour and set of standards so that I can be that - checks and balances against being 'normal', if you will. Some may call this being hipster; please don't do this to my face. It will upset me.

            The other part is that I realised why I was finding the whole process so difficult. While I'm at the gym pushing myself past my psychological limits to find my physical ones, or when I find an old pair of jeans that's too big for me, I get a little bit of personal positive reinforcement and it makes me happy. But only for a short time - after the feeling fades or you throw the jeans out, the source is gone. So really the reinforcement comes from positive comments your peers give you, or the way you get second looks on a Friday night; these complimentary gestures stack up and give you that positive reinforcement even when you're not at the gym, or when you've run out of old jeans to find. In that motivation is the drive to continue, to do more and achieve more so you can keep getting those compliments and good feelings.

            Obviously I do get some and I thank the friends that are being supportive. I didn't realise until recently how much it meant to me so this is a heart-felt thank you for your support in the past and any that you continue to give. If I didn't have that I could succumb to the fate that meets most dieters; surrender to the indefatigable message your mind sends you that it is just not worth since no one is appreciating it enough.

           

            This, I think, is partly why the gym is addictive; people go to keep receiving that burst of adrenaline and burning energy that fuels them as a reward. And if they can commit to that and be independent of other's views, or can compensate for not getting enough positive reinforcement from outside sources, then great for them. Or perhaps they do get enough, in which case I'm insanely jealous. I am a proud person, despite the impression I might give to others sometimes, and I can admit I enjoy basking in the compliments of others anyway. I can also admit I don't want to be a muscle-bound goliath who can't cross his arms; I'd much rather be in shape and toned and not have gym for three hours twice a day so I didn't lose the body I had become so proud and attached to. So this is a message to let those of you who show it know I appreciate all of the compliments, comments, motivation and encouragement you give me. I now understand how important it is to me, so please don't stop.

            If you're reading this and don't know me, or think you don't know me well enough to talk to me about this, I'm sure you know someone who is trying to lose weight or get in shape. Let them know you notice it, encourage them and keep doing it. Even if you know someone who is already in shape and works out a lot to keep, give them a kind word or a hug (if you can get your arms around them) and I'm sure they'll be grateful. Hell, people get paid money per hour - I don't think anyone would be upset to receive encouragements and compliments at the same rate.


EDIT: In amongst telling me I should start listening to Miley Cyrus, my brother pointed out I hadn't been eating regularly which may have contributed. I will have to amend this (eating patterns, not lack of listening to Miley Cyrus).

Viserys to Drogo in Seven Months

            So one of my friends has actually taken me up on the offer of being an amateur PT. We were talking about May Comicon (because we're massive geeks) and he said he wanted to go as Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones. I commented that he'd have to hit the gym a bit first as be looks more like Viserys Targaryen. Affronted, my friend asked what was wrong with Viserys. Anyone who is familiar with the series will know there's a whole list of things wrong with Viserys, but I put it to him like this;

           "Either you can be Khal Drogo who was feared and respected across the Dothraki nation, or you can be Viserys Targaryen who played with his sister's nipples."

            He came to the gym today. He's also agreed to attend regularly. I feel my powers of persuasion were faultless. Drogo has his flaws but no one wants to be Viserys. He now has seven months to achieve his goal.

           

            Session one went well for him and I had a lighter session - today not being a normal gym day, so I mainly focused on weights and muscle work after a twenty minute warm up with cardio. He pushed himself too far to begin with - my constant haranguing and drill-sergeant style motivation technique probably not helping - but he found a happy medium. We also had a bit of a chat about our work out plans and philosophies while he, another friend who came along and I had a stretch out session which demonstrated how amazingly inflexible my body is. It felt good to hear his concerns about starting to visit a gym regularly as I had them when I began, and I still have some now - some may never go. Like my constant desire to look as good as the CG enhanced super heroes in films now. However, I think the chat reassured him.

            I also did five whole pull ups. This probably demonstrates how poor my fitness was/still is to some extent. To those of you who exercise regularly and have done for years I appreciate five pull ups sounds like nothing. Considering I weighed 18.5 stone eight months ago and have only been visiting the gym for the last three months, I think this is a huge success. I haven't been able to do any pull ups in years and it felt great. GREAT. I'm going to be aiming to do a set of fifteen in sessions by Christmas.

            I've noticed that I can do a lot more now than I used to - both cardio and weights - the session I did today would have been a push three months ago but was comfortably manageable today. I'm also flat when I lie down on my back rather than having a small hill that would require contour lines on a map where my stomach was. I haven't quite lost the belly but it's nearly there - Gregory is nearly dead. My brother is both impressed and distraught at this news. I am, as of today, 14st 3lbs - 199lbs! Under two hundred and only seventeen left to go! The goal having been shifting to 13st or 182lbs has not made me less optimistic; if anything I am more so. I have even started thinking (dangerously) that the goal may not in fact be enough and I could go lower. According to wikianswers (professional sourcing right there) the average weight for a man my height and age is 158-172lbs, which is 11-12st. However, the answer made it clear that this was going to be 'inaccurate or unrepresentative of personal workout regimes'. So should my goal in fact be 172lbs? I will have to think on this. For now, I'm keeping it at 182.

            Last week when I tried to do pull ups I could only manage one - this week I have quintupled that. Three months ago I could barely row a kilometer in eight minutes - I'm now doing 2k in ten minutes. My improvement on the treadmill and crosstrainer is such that I wouldn't have believed I could manage it. I have to again thank everyone who has been encouraging and supportive of my weight loss drive but I cannot ignore the fact that I had to find this motivation from within. You won't lose weight if you don't want to - just like you don't achieve things if you don't really want them. We make time, put in effort and find money for things we really want; this is a key life philosophy of mine. Another my friends are familiar with is Don't Ask, Don't Get - if you don't ask for something, you won't get it. I've been asking ymself "Can I lose this weight?", "Can I do one more set?" and "Can I do this faster?" for eight months and I have got all of those things by demanding them of myself constantly. However, it wasn't until today when I was trying to convince my friend to come to the gym that I really summed out my workout philosophy: "Everyday you're not Drogo, you're Viserys."