Not Quite What Was Expected...

            So I had a post planned for today but it's completely escaped my mind so this is going to be something different altogether. I have now achieved the goal of 14st, or 196lbs. How do I feel? Successful. But more than that I actually feel a little depressed. I know most of my blog entries have been fairly light hearted, and some may interpret this as a cry for attention, but this is where I get to post and publish my thoughts and feelings about my dieting progress. Since this is pretty relevant, it's getting posted. I also believe honesty is important in anything someone considers important, and since this is important to me I'll give honesty a go ^^

            I've just got back from a two hour session at the gym. I was slightly unimpressed with my performance on the treadmill, so pushed myself on the rower and cross trainer. Net gain of this wasafter only achieving 3.26k in 25 minutes on the 'mill, I managed 4.3k in 19 minutes on the rower and an impressive 5.36k in 25 minutes on the 'trainer. I then did about half an hour of weight and muscle work before a ten minute light cycle to cool off. After all of this I felt triumphant, pleased and downright exhilarated - all the way to my car.

           

            While I waited for parents to dance the dance of parking space exchange so I could leave a wave of depression set in. It probably doesn't help that I've been fighting a bit of stress-anxiety over the last few days - the source of which is not relevant to the blog so I won't go in to it, but suffice to say it's a few sources rather than just one - but I realised that while I keep saying I'm doing this for myself, to get in better shape and to be proud of the achievement really that's not the case. As with 99.99% of everything humans do it is mainly because of other people. Societies standards, pier groups, perceived expectations; I realised with a crushing certainty that I was responding to these on an instinctive level and cognitively creating reasons for it that I could justify to myself.

            Why was this depressing? Partly because, as those who know me can attest, I've never been one to do something because it's expected or 'the done thing'. I've always wanted to be my own person and have developed a behaviour and set of standards so that I can be that - checks and balances against being 'normal', if you will. Some may call this being hipster; please don't do this to my face. It will upset me.

            The other part is that I realised why I was finding the whole process so difficult. While I'm at the gym pushing myself past my psychological limits to find my physical ones, or when I find an old pair of jeans that's too big for me, I get a little bit of personal positive reinforcement and it makes me happy. But only for a short time - after the feeling fades or you throw the jeans out, the source is gone. So really the reinforcement comes from positive comments your peers give you, or the way you get second looks on a Friday night; these complimentary gestures stack up and give you that positive reinforcement even when you're not at the gym, or when you've run out of old jeans to find. In that motivation is the drive to continue, to do more and achieve more so you can keep getting those compliments and good feelings.

            Obviously I do get some and I thank the friends that are being supportive. I didn't realise until recently how much it meant to me so this is a heart-felt thank you for your support in the past and any that you continue to give. If I didn't have that I could succumb to the fate that meets most dieters; surrender to the indefatigable message your mind sends you that it is just not worth since no one is appreciating it enough.

           

            This, I think, is partly why the gym is addictive; people go to keep receiving that burst of adrenaline and burning energy that fuels them as a reward. And if they can commit to that and be independent of other's views, or can compensate for not getting enough positive reinforcement from outside sources, then great for them. Or perhaps they do get enough, in which case I'm insanely jealous. I am a proud person, despite the impression I might give to others sometimes, and I can admit I enjoy basking in the compliments of others anyway. I can also admit I don't want to be a muscle-bound goliath who can't cross his arms; I'd much rather be in shape and toned and not have gym for three hours twice a day so I didn't lose the body I had become so proud and attached to. So this is a message to let those of you who show it know I appreciate all of the compliments, comments, motivation and encouragement you give me. I now understand how important it is to me, so please don't stop.

            If you're reading this and don't know me, or think you don't know me well enough to talk to me about this, I'm sure you know someone who is trying to lose weight or get in shape. Let them know you notice it, encourage them and keep doing it. Even if you know someone who is already in shape and works out a lot to keep, give them a kind word or a hug (if you can get your arms around them) and I'm sure they'll be grateful. Hell, people get paid money per hour - I don't think anyone would be upset to receive encouragements and compliments at the same rate.


EDIT: In amongst telling me I should start listening to Miley Cyrus, my brother pointed out I hadn't been eating regularly which may have contributed. I will have to amend this (eating patterns, not lack of listening to Miley Cyrus).

Viserys to Drogo in Seven Months

            So one of my friends has actually taken me up on the offer of being an amateur PT. We were talking about May Comicon (because we're massive geeks) and he said he wanted to go as Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones. I commented that he'd have to hit the gym a bit first as be looks more like Viserys Targaryen. Affronted, my friend asked what was wrong with Viserys. Anyone who is familiar with the series will know there's a whole list of things wrong with Viserys, but I put it to him like this;

           "Either you can be Khal Drogo who was feared and respected across the Dothraki nation, or you can be Viserys Targaryen who played with his sister's nipples."

            He came to the gym today. He's also agreed to attend regularly. I feel my powers of persuasion were faultless. Drogo has his flaws but no one wants to be Viserys. He now has seven months to achieve his goal.

           

            Session one went well for him and I had a lighter session - today not being a normal gym day, so I mainly focused on weights and muscle work after a twenty minute warm up with cardio. He pushed himself too far to begin with - my constant haranguing and drill-sergeant style motivation technique probably not helping - but he found a happy medium. We also had a bit of a chat about our work out plans and philosophies while he, another friend who came along and I had a stretch out session which demonstrated how amazingly inflexible my body is. It felt good to hear his concerns about starting to visit a gym regularly as I had them when I began, and I still have some now - some may never go. Like my constant desire to look as good as the CG enhanced super heroes in films now. However, I think the chat reassured him.

            I also did five whole pull ups. This probably demonstrates how poor my fitness was/still is to some extent. To those of you who exercise regularly and have done for years I appreciate five pull ups sounds like nothing. Considering I weighed 18.5 stone eight months ago and have only been visiting the gym for the last three months, I think this is a huge success. I haven't been able to do any pull ups in years and it felt great. GREAT. I'm going to be aiming to do a set of fifteen in sessions by Christmas.

            I've noticed that I can do a lot more now than I used to - both cardio and weights - the session I did today would have been a push three months ago but was comfortably manageable today. I'm also flat when I lie down on my back rather than having a small hill that would require contour lines on a map where my stomach was. I haven't quite lost the belly but it's nearly there - Gregory is nearly dead. My brother is both impressed and distraught at this news. I am, as of today, 14st 3lbs - 199lbs! Under two hundred and only seventeen left to go! The goal having been shifting to 13st or 182lbs has not made me less optimistic; if anything I am more so. I have even started thinking (dangerously) that the goal may not in fact be enough and I could go lower. According to wikianswers (professional sourcing right there) the average weight for a man my height and age is 158-172lbs, which is 11-12st. However, the answer made it clear that this was going to be 'inaccurate or unrepresentative of personal workout regimes'. So should my goal in fact be 172lbs? I will have to think on this. For now, I'm keeping it at 182.

            Last week when I tried to do pull ups I could only manage one - this week I have quintupled that. Three months ago I could barely row a kilometer in eight minutes - I'm now doing 2k in ten minutes. My improvement on the treadmill and crosstrainer is such that I wouldn't have believed I could manage it. I have to again thank everyone who has been encouraging and supportive of my weight loss drive but I cannot ignore the fact that I had to find this motivation from within. You won't lose weight if you don't want to - just like you don't achieve things if you don't really want them. We make time, put in effort and find money for things we really want; this is a key life philosophy of mine. Another my friends are familiar with is Don't Ask, Don't Get - if you don't ask for something, you won't get it. I've been asking ymself "Can I lose this weight?", "Can I do one more set?" and "Can I do this faster?" for eight months and I have got all of those things by demanding them of myself constantly. However, it wasn't until today when I was trying to convince my friend to come to the gym that I really summed out my workout philosophy: "Everyday you're not Drogo, you're Viserys."

             

Home straight and ambitious extras.

            Fourteen stone, four and a half pounds. 75% of a single stone of weight left before I hit my goal. I'm very excited. You know what else I am? Surprised that I've still got a bit of a belly - I have had not one, not two but three good friends prove to me however that it's not uncommon for a man to have a bit of a belly. An excuse? No. Acceptable? My society, maybe, but not by me. Personally I want to be admired rather than classed as mediocre or average and thus I am going to work to be admirable.

           

            I'm doing more focused ab work at the gym and trying to get sit-ups in on a daily basis. I've also decided to extend my target; I will still be lowering the strictness of my diet when I reach 14st but I will be sticking with it until I hit 13st rather than 13 and a half. This is partly to finish killing Gregory but also because if I can get to 13 and maintain it I will be even more impressed with myself. There's a chance I may go even lower depending on how I feel. But for now I'll only move the goal posts a little bit.

            This weight reached is pretty impressive since I went to a very early Thanksgiving this Sunday which basically killed me, or so I thought. However through stringent psychological training and zen-like meditative abilities I have managed to stay on course. And damn am I proud; after last week's slip up I feel like Vader must have when he destroyed the base at Hoth - bearing down on a goal that was soon to be within his grasp!.

            And so, amongst all this happiness, what am I adding to keep my feet on the ground? Well, Thanksgiving held but two vegetables - green beans and sweet potatoes - and so was not massively nutritious. To make things worse the sweet potato was covered in marshmellows. I don't know why this wasn't a desert but it was amazing. I highlight this because my diet, such that it is, lacks somewhat in nutritious content. This is because, mainly, I haven't been monitoring it and/or taking other people's advice about what I eat as well as how much. Cue the 'I told you so!'s.

            To remedy this I am resurrecting my use of the My Fitness Pal app as it can go someway towards tracking my nutritional intake which is exactly what I need. I am still taking my multivits but I would ideally not need to take them so by making this change I can start my path towards complete dietary independence.

            In other news I totally hit my target for increasing my gym workout. I'm on 20k in 80minutes and quite comfortably - I think I could actually go a little longer on some of the machines (Not rowing. Screw that increase until next month) but for now I'm happy to maintain the new target until I began to get comfortable. Likewise, I have upped my weight work to make sure I keep benefitting from that as well and am now doing 100 situps at the gym. ONE FRIGGING HUNDRED! Three months ago I could barely manage fifteen.

            I'm still getting the compliments and preening each and every time, although I'm getting much better responding to them. I'm also throwing out many of my fat man clothes and wearing tee-shirts that I think are a little too small but actually look better than wearing one-man tents. And I'm very, very nearly past the stage when I care what random strangers think.

            I have discovered I need a new hoodie though so that's on the Christmas list and I'm getting ambitious and requesting a medium. BAM! How's that for optimism? As always, please comment or subscribe or both, feedback is always welcome!