Not Quite What Was Expected...

            So I had a post planned for today but it's completely escaped my mind so this is going to be something different altogether. I have now achieved the goal of 14st, or 196lbs. How do I feel? Successful. But more than that I actually feel a little depressed. I know most of my blog entries have been fairly light hearted, and some may interpret this as a cry for attention, but this is where I get to post and publish my thoughts and feelings about my dieting progress. Since this is pretty relevant, it's getting posted. I also believe honesty is important in anything someone considers important, and since this is important to me I'll give honesty a go ^^

            I've just got back from a two hour session at the gym. I was slightly unimpressed with my performance on the treadmill, so pushed myself on the rower and cross trainer. Net gain of this wasafter only achieving 3.26k in 25 minutes on the 'mill, I managed 4.3k in 19 minutes on the rower and an impressive 5.36k in 25 minutes on the 'trainer. I then did about half an hour of weight and muscle work before a ten minute light cycle to cool off. After all of this I felt triumphant, pleased and downright exhilarated - all the way to my car.

           

            While I waited for parents to dance the dance of parking space exchange so I could leave a wave of depression set in. It probably doesn't help that I've been fighting a bit of stress-anxiety over the last few days - the source of which is not relevant to the blog so I won't go in to it, but suffice to say it's a few sources rather than just one - but I realised that while I keep saying I'm doing this for myself, to get in better shape and to be proud of the achievement really that's not the case. As with 99.99% of everything humans do it is mainly because of other people. Societies standards, pier groups, perceived expectations; I realised with a crushing certainty that I was responding to these on an instinctive level and cognitively creating reasons for it that I could justify to myself.

            Why was this depressing? Partly because, as those who know me can attest, I've never been one to do something because it's expected or 'the done thing'. I've always wanted to be my own person and have developed a behaviour and set of standards so that I can be that - checks and balances against being 'normal', if you will. Some may call this being hipster; please don't do this to my face. It will upset me.

            The other part is that I realised why I was finding the whole process so difficult. While I'm at the gym pushing myself past my psychological limits to find my physical ones, or when I find an old pair of jeans that's too big for me, I get a little bit of personal positive reinforcement and it makes me happy. But only for a short time - after the feeling fades or you throw the jeans out, the source is gone. So really the reinforcement comes from positive comments your peers give you, or the way you get second looks on a Friday night; these complimentary gestures stack up and give you that positive reinforcement even when you're not at the gym, or when you've run out of old jeans to find. In that motivation is the drive to continue, to do more and achieve more so you can keep getting those compliments and good feelings.

            Obviously I do get some and I thank the friends that are being supportive. I didn't realise until recently how much it meant to me so this is a heart-felt thank you for your support in the past and any that you continue to give. If I didn't have that I could succumb to the fate that meets most dieters; surrender to the indefatigable message your mind sends you that it is just not worth since no one is appreciating it enough.

           

            This, I think, is partly why the gym is addictive; people go to keep receiving that burst of adrenaline and burning energy that fuels them as a reward. And if they can commit to that and be independent of other's views, or can compensate for not getting enough positive reinforcement from outside sources, then great for them. Or perhaps they do get enough, in which case I'm insanely jealous. I am a proud person, despite the impression I might give to others sometimes, and I can admit I enjoy basking in the compliments of others anyway. I can also admit I don't want to be a muscle-bound goliath who can't cross his arms; I'd much rather be in shape and toned and not have gym for three hours twice a day so I didn't lose the body I had become so proud and attached to. So this is a message to let those of you who show it know I appreciate all of the compliments, comments, motivation and encouragement you give me. I now understand how important it is to me, so please don't stop.

            If you're reading this and don't know me, or think you don't know me well enough to talk to me about this, I'm sure you know someone who is trying to lose weight or get in shape. Let them know you notice it, encourage them and keep doing it. Even if you know someone who is already in shape and works out a lot to keep, give them a kind word or a hug (if you can get your arms around them) and I'm sure they'll be grateful. Hell, people get paid money per hour - I don't think anyone would be upset to receive encouragements and compliments at the same rate.


EDIT: In amongst telling me I should start listening to Miley Cyrus, my brother pointed out I hadn't been eating regularly which may have contributed. I will have to amend this (eating patterns, not lack of listening to Miley Cyrus).